An oldie but goodie... funny story from Tuesday, January 29, 2008
"A Woman's week at the gym"
This is dedicated to everyone who has ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine!
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) bought me a week with a personal trainer at the local gym. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school cheerleader 43 years ago, I thought it would be a good idea.
I called the gym and set up the appointment with a personal trainer named Belinda, who told me she is a 26 year old aerobics instructor and a model for swim wear. She encouraged me to keep a workout diary.
Started my day at 6am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I got to the gym and found Belinda waiting on me. She is something of a greek goddess..with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling smile. Woo hoo! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit ups, even though my gut already hurt from sucking it in whenever Belinda was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy bar in the air then she put weights on it! My legs were wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it a full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it worth while!
The only way I can brush my teeth is putting my tooth brush on the sink and moving my mouth side to side. I believe I have a hernia in moth pectorals. Driving was ok as long as I didn't steer or stop. I parked on top of a Geo in the gym parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me today, insisting that my screams bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying! My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair Monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help get me in shape and enjoy life...or some crap like that,
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire teeth exposed as her thin cruel lips were in a snarl. I couldn't help it that I was a half hour late! It took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda told me to work with dumbbells. When she wasn't looking I ran and hid in the bathroom. She sent some other skinny twit to find me. As my punishment, she put me on the rowing machine...I sank...
I hate that woman, Belinda, more than any person can possibly hate another person. If there was a single part of my body that didn't scream in pain when I moved, I would hit her with it!
Belinda wanted to work on my triceps. I don't have triceps! And if you didn't want dents in the floor don't hand me dumbbells or anything eles that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher! Why couldn't it had been someone softer, like the drama coach or choir director?
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I didn't show up today. I wanted to throw my diary at the machine, however I lacked the strength to even hold the tv remote and have been watching the Weather Channel for 11 hours now.
I am having the church van pick me up today so I can go thank GOD this week is over! I will also pray that next year my daughter (little snot) will choose a gift that is fun, like a root canal or a hysterectomy!
I still say if God wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled diamonds on the ground!
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